A dicey topic and one that has no absolutes like 5 dates in, tell her that you’re a baby daddy. Or 3 months after saying “I Love You” is when you share that your ex still lives in a house you pay for. Or two dates before you plan to consummate the deal is the time to mention that nasty STD you picked up from your cheating ex.
There are two schools of thought on when to dance the skeletons out of the closet. One is lay everything out upfront and let them deal with the whole picture immediately. The other is to wait until you are in a committed situation where you know the person is sticking around. I’d like to offer something a little bit more in the middle…
Share when you know and can trust your audience. Right, like that’s so easy. You know and trust this person and want to keep them around but don’t know if they will when they hear what you have to share… isn’t it easier to just let someone know everything up front and roll with the punches?
I could be wrong on this, I’m writing this post based on opinion only, so if you disagree or have a better suggestion, please share. That being said, when you throw everything out on the table, how are you going to feel if that person turns around and tells everyone they know about what you shared? Are you ok with being emotionally indiscriminant and vulnerable with everyone you date? If you can safely say “yes, I’m fine with that!” to both questions, then I’d say, share away! The rest of this post is for those of us who may need a bit more of a safety net for our hearts.
When you have something weighing on your mind that you need to share, ask yourself two questions. Do I know this person well enough to trust that they can keep what I share in confidence? If what I share ends up being a turn off for them, am I going to be ok with having shared it when they walk away before getting a chance to really know me?
In other words… don’t share something personal and confidential until you know that you aren’t giving away something you can’t afford to lose. I NEVER advocate hiding something that the other person NEEDS to know… like having sex and not sharing that you have an STD or knowing that something you do regularly when not with your significant other would be a deal breaker for them if they knew. If you hide things that make it impossible for them to determine your current character, then you are lying.
However, if they ask you directly about something from your past that you aren’t ready to share, I would advocate asking them up front why they are asking. If they are just fishing for information, ask if it would be ok to talk about that when you know each other better. If they are asking because they need to know in order to determine how they feel about you, I would recommend being honest about the nature of the issue but not go into details. For example, if you’ve been divorced because you cheated on your ex and they ask if you’ve ever cheated, well, now is the time to fess up. Don’t go into the whole story, but admit that you have and would never consider doing it again because of seeing the terrible impact it had on someone you love. Then it’s up to them to decide if that’s a deal breaker or something they believe you can change.
But the things in your past that worry you… that you don’t like sharing or particularly even want to talk about but that you know you need to share with someone significant because they affected your life and heart… abuse, rape, prior drug use, death of an ex, family issues, abortion/adoption, etc… those things take wisdom and discernment not only to hear but to share. Make sure your audience is worthy of keeping your confidence and will treat what you share with respect and compassion.
